|This is an interview with Presidential Candidate Mighty Mouth, currently leading in the polls.
Alice: Hello, my name is Alice, and I will be interviewing you for my blog, “Alice’s Grand Adventures.” Tell me why you want to be president of the United States.
Mighty Mouth: Why not? I can make America gape… gag… groan… oh, Grape Again! Yeah that’s it. I can make America Grape again. Hey, remember MASH? Radar drank Grape Nehi. Everyone will drink Grape Nehi when I’m president.
Alice: Will you export Grape Nehi to Mexico?
Mighty Mouth: Sure. We can open a big door in the Magnificent Wall that I’m going to build and sell Mexico the Grape Nehi. Everyone in Mexico will love us. We’ll paint ads on the wall, on both sides of the wall. We will be so loved. You won’t believe the love.
Alice: Can I get on to some other issues now?
Mighty Mouth: My hair. You want to talk about my hair.
Alice: Yes, it’s quite unique.
Mighty Mouth: I knew it. You love my hair.
Mighty Mouth: You also want to talk about my long, beautiful fingers, not to mention my magnificent body.
Alice: I was wondering what you plan on doing if you were to be elected president. How would it feel to be President Mouth?
Mighty Mouth: I have an excellent mouth. A very handsome mouth. A truly Mighty Mouth.
Alice: Tell me about foreign policy. How would you deal with stubborn foreign leaders who don’t share your love for yourself?
Mighty Mouth: It will be beautiful. Marvelous. I know how to do Twitter. My tweets will overcome any enemy. Besides, I have friends in high places. President Vladimir Putin is a good judge of character. He said that I am colorful and very talented. We are going to have a beautiful relationship with Russia. You’ll be amazed by how we’re going to make America grape… um… gape again. As for anyone else… well, I don’t have time to be politically correct.
Alice: What does politically correct mean to you?
Mighty Mouth: (munching cookie) Thanks, sweetie, that’s nice.
Alice: I’m glad that you like the cookie. Have a cupcake. Tell me about politically correct?
Mighty Mouth: Ummmpphh. Mfffffmmm.
Alice: What does that mean?
Mighty Mouth: My opponents are space aliens, all of them. They are ineligible to run for president. But you media people don’t understand that. That’s ’cause the media is run by butt ugly women with attitudes.
Alice: OK, then. Well, it looks as if time is running out. Is there anything that you’d like to add?
Mighty Mouth: People gape at my Great Handsomeness. I can make babies gurgle. I can make spring turn back into winter. I’m feeling an attack of gas. (BELLLLCCCHHH)
Mighty Mouth: Send the no-goods back to where they came from. It will be beautiful. We will deport them in style. We’ll hire bands for the deportation buses and we’ll serve hors d’oeuvres available for a small price. They’ll be wearing the most comfortable handcuffs.
Alice: What do you think of emigration?
Mighty Mouth: I’ll gladly ship all of my opponents to North Korea or Antarctica.
Alice: Thank you for sharing, Mr. Mouth.
Mighty Mouth: Anytime. Gotta go. My rally’s gonna start, and we’re gonna bash a few protesters. You’re not a protester, are you? I’ll start bashing if you are. Oh, and don’t forget to pay for the interview. The bill is in the mail.
Alice: OK, there you have it. Candidate Mighty Mouth has spoken. Please remember to vote, if you dare.
note: take a look at everybody sucks 2016