|Today, I went to the White House to interview President Mighty Mouth. He had just finished a press conference with Shinzo Abe, the Prime Minister of Japan. While Prime Minister Abe conferred with his staff, I spoke with President Mouth.
MM: Before you ask me any questions or, even worse, address me as “Mr. Baldwin,” I want you to know that I am not Alec Baldwin pretending to be me. I am not President Mighty Mouth pretending to be Alec Baldwin pretending to be me.
Me: OK. Was the Kellyannebot correct? Were you kidnapped by space aliens?
MM: Yes, and did you notice that the Failing New York Times and the rest of the Fake News Conspiracy did not report on how Alec Baldwin tried to steal my job?
Me: No. I was oblivious until I interviewed him. Tell me more.
MM: What kind of journalist are you? How could you be oblivious to that sorry excuse of an actor being sworn in in my place?
(the Kellyannebot walks in to the room and stops in front of the president)
Kellyannebot: You’re having sushi in half an hour.
MM: I have to eat that?
Kellyannebot: Do you want to eat off the kids’ menu?
MM: My bot got reprogrammed. It was never this sarcastic in the past. That no good…
(the Kellyannebot leaves.)
Me: What happened?
MM: The space aliens took me to their home world. They poked and prodded me and they observed me interacting with a beautiful artificial life form. It was a lovely young lady. I wanted to kiss her, even though she wasn’t real. I tried to kiss her but she fought me off. Then I was taken away from there.
Me: Sounds like Slaughterhouse Five. What words of wisdom do you have, based on your experiences?
MM: Before you kill somebody, make sure that they are not well connected.
Me: OK. I will keep that in mind.
MM: I met Darth Vader. A great leader. A role model. He is strong and he takes bold actions. I will emulate him. Mighty Mouth strikes back.
Me: Why are you no longer with the space aliens?
MM: I fired them and sent them away.
Me: They got rid of you?
MM: I wouldn’t phrase it like that. When I returned, the inauguration was over and that sorry excuse of an actor was sitting at my desk, watching movies and eating popcorn. He hadn’t done anything in the days that he was president. He was the worst president. Pitiful.
Me: Some people are saying that about you, President Mouth.
MM: I will handle them. I now have great power. The power of the dark side. Darth Vader, in that short time, trained me in all of those powers. The power is great. I love power.
Me: Never were truer words spoken.
MM: I am striking back against my enemies. The Democrats, Nordstrom, Alec Baldwin, the ninth circuit court of appeals…
Me: How are you striking back?
MM: Check this out! (President Mighty Mouth puts on a helmet and immediately looks like Darth Vader’s twin.)
Me: Darth Vader!
Me: I don’t understand you. Your helmet is garbling your words.
(At that moment, another President Mighty Mouth walks into the Oval Office.)
MM2: Pay no attention to the man behind the mask. He is a fake President Mighty Mouth.
Me: Who is the president?
(MM1 removes the mask.)
MM1 and MM2: I am the president. He is an impostor.
Me: You are identical. Are you both real?
(The Kellyannebot returns to the Oval Office.)
Kellyannebot: You are Fake News. You must leave immediately or you will be exterminated.
Me (thinking): Two identical people who may or may not be president and an artificial counselor to the president who has suddenly turned into a Dalek? Uh oh. I could be in terrible peril. Or maybe she is not a Dalek? Maybe her programming has just gone dangerously awry?
Me (speaking): Can you levitate? Real Daleks can levitate?
Kellyannebot: You will obey.
(Sean Spicer walks into the room and spots two presidents and a Kellyannebot Dalek)
Sean Spicer: Prime Minister Abe is ready to… (he freezes as the Kellyannebot glares at him.)
Kellyannebot: You will be exterminated. I will exterminate all.
Sean Spicer: Wait! We’re on the same…
(My life in jeopardy, I leave rapidly. Will the Dalek Kellyannebot exterminate the prime minister of Japan?Will there ever be another interview with President Mighty Mouth? Who is President Mighty Mouth? Has the danger to the world from the president and his clone, as well as from his Dalek, become too great?)
The end (or maybe not)