Insults, Shakespeare-style

 I participate in a play reading group that meets via Zoom every Wednesday evening. It is a fun way to explore a wide variety of plays. Plus I really like the opportunity to get dramatic, to shout, to sing, and to make long speeches! We have explored the works of a variety of playwrights. Last night, we read “The Winter’s Tale,” by William Shakespeare. I really did try to be serious about this but when I started referring to people as “bed swervers” and “ape bearers,” I exploded into fits of laughter.

Well, anyway, I thought that a fun creative writing exercise would be to use a bunch of Shakespearean insults in a poison pen letter. William Shakespeare was well known for creating some really inventive and hilarious insults. I think that it would be funny to write a poison pen letter full of Shakespearean insults to the robo caller who wanted me to buy an extended warranty for a nonexistent car.

Here is the group of Shakespearean insults that I plan on incorporating into the poison pen letter. While I was searching on line for the insults, I discovered a Shakespearean insults generator. I thought that was a funny thing so here are five really juicy insults: 

  • thou saucy beetle-headed lewdster
  • thou degenerate prick-eared malt-worm!
  • thou babbling beef-witted mumble-news
  • thou greasy rump-fed maggot pie
  • thou droning onion-eyed vassal
And now, without further ado, I’m going to write the poison pen letter.

Dear Purveyer of Extended Warranties for Cars, both real and imagined:
Lately, I have been receiving far too many valueless robo calls emanating, supposedly from local numbers (undoubtedly hijacked). When I can’t answer, I call the number back, only to find that the person at the other end never called me. When I do answer the call, I hear the artificial voice of some babbling beef-witted mumble news being delivered by one of your minions. This recorded voice interrupts me while I’m cooking dinner, when I’m out taking a walk, or when I am working. Minor detail: I don’t own a car so why would I want to buy an extended warranty for a non-existent vehicle?

When I think that the phone number looks familiar, I answer the phone, only to hear the artificially chipper voice of a droning onion-eyed vassal of some large, unidentified corporation, whose sales department is obviously headed by a saucy beetle-headed lewdster. Does that corporation really care about the people whom it’s annoying with its incessant robo calling? Or does it just seek greater and greater acts of glory by robo calling people who have blocked your fake phone numbers, over and over again? Do you think that’s the work of a company that puts its potential customers first? Do you actually believe that you are selling a product that has any value to anyone? I submit that the copy of those pre-recorded phone calls is composed by some degenerate prick-eared malt worm, whose diet consists of greasy rump-fed maggot pies and other “foods,” too unappetizing to even mention.  

I look forward to never hearing from you again.

Sooo… here is my challenge to you. Write your own poison pen letter, using Shakespearean insults to make your point even pointier. Here is the link to the random Shakespearean insult generator: How to Insult People like William Shakespeare! Knock your socks off! And feel free to say anything you like about Shakespearan insults and/or poison pen letters featuring Shakespearean insults in the comments section below.

1 thought on “Insults, Shakespeare-style”

  1. Dr Renee Cohn Jones

    This had me rolling with laughter! I couldn't choose which insult I liked best and can't wait to try it on the next robo-auto warranty call!

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