Every now and then, I write about laws that come across as so absurd, it’s amazing that any lawmakers were able to put them on the books without howling with laughter. As the job of a lawmaker doesn’t always include howling with laughter, I can understand why the comic relief would be necessary. But imagine if you were charged with a stupid law and you had to go to court, where you found that your attorney, the prosecutor, the judge, and even the bailiff couldn’t control their laughter over your most absurd case. How would you know whether you were guilty or not guilty if the judge was squealing with laughter while rendering a verdict?
So here is a list of ten idiotic laws that might set your judge to hysterical fits of laughter:
- Moose-related laws in Alaska. There are a few, so I am grouping them together. First off, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. That’s probably because mooses? meese? are rather large. Who wants to watch a moose binge drink and run around in a drunken state? And hiccup? How loud can a moose hiccup? But most moose aren’t in the bar, getting inebriated. So does that mean that you have to hunt a moose down to bring that moose into the bar? I don’t know but it is illegal to whisper something in the ear of someone who is hunting a moose. No sweet little nothings. No words are to be whispered to someone on that moose hunt. And, once you’ve caught that moose, you’re going to need to transport it somewhere. Maybe to the bar where you’re not allowed to get it inebriated. But keep in mind that, if you transport it on an airplane, it is illegal to push it out of the airplane. Yep. Illegal. That’s right. You cannot jettison a moose from a jet. Even if the moose is drunk.
- Churches in Alabama. It’s very important to behave properly in Alabama’s churches. In fact, bad behavior is illegal. For example, it is illegal to wear a fake mustache in church because that might provoke laughter. As we know, one must NEVER laugh in church for any reason whatsoever. I myself would never consider laughing in church. Especially if I saw someone wearing a fake mustache. Nope. I am very serious. Super serious. I put the S in Serious. But I digress. Seriously. Oh, and there is one more. And it is Serious. You are not to disguise yourself as a priest, especially one wearing a fake mustache that causes people to laugh in church.
- Rules of the road in Ohio. It is very important to follow the rules of the road. Here are a few of the Most Important Rules of the Road in Ohio. It is illegal for a dog to urinate on a parking meter. In other words, the time that you take in paying for your parking spot is not the right time to give your dog a potty break. What else? The person sitting on your lap is not allowed to operate a motor vehicle. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t scare a horse while you’re driving. That’s… illegal!!!
- Theatrical productions in New York. Theatrical productions must be regulated in a state that boasts a Broadway, an off-Broadway, an off-off Broadway and a Broadway that is so off-Broadway that it is in Buffalo. And speaking about productions that are really off Broadway, you could end up in jail for 30 days if you present a puppet show from your window. (I don’t know what happens if you present a puppet show from your jail cell.) It is also illegal to start any public performance of show before 1:05 p.m. Especially if it is a puppet show from your window.
- Laws in a town that might have more letters than people in Wales. By the time that you are six years old, you are required by law to be able to spell Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Yep. I think that there is something like sixty letters. I don’t know. I lost count. And not only do you have to spell it, you have to be able to pronounce it by the time that you are thirty-four years old. Of course, some people cheat by calling it Llanfair. But is that fair?
- Running in Iceland. Relax. Don’t run too frantically. It’s illegal to complete a marathon in Iceland in under three and a half hours. But who does that?
- The regulation of music in Washington, D.C. First of all, it is illegal to whistle in the bathroom. And there will be no dueling accordians. No facility that offers musical entertainment is permitted to set up a band that features more than one accordian. Remember that, you accordian fans! If you like hearing an accordian chorus, you might not want to go to Washington, D.C. And, since it is illegal to take pictures nonstop for more than five minutes, the accordian chorus won’t even get properly photographed.
- Operating motor vehicles in Germany. It is illegal to run out of gas while you are driving on the autobahn. Save that running out of gas and pushing your car thing for other roads. Of course, since there are no speed limits on the autobahn, you should be able to get off the road fast when you notice that your gas gauge is getting dangrously close to “empty.”
- Dental care in Russia. It is illegal to brush your teeth more than twice a day in Russia. So watch out for cops’ peering into your mouth and discovering that your teeth are unusually clean! You could try to confuse the cops by speaking to them in a foreign language, but be careful about which language you choose. It is illegal to use more than four English words in a sentence in Russia. Especially when your teeth are unusually clean.
- Jury duty in Oregon: It is illegal to require a dead person to serve on a jury in Oregon. So don’t worry. If you’re on trial in Oregon, the juror who looks dead is just sleeping. Listen for the snores.