|Today, I am interviewing Republican candidate Mighty Mouth and Democratic candidate Midas Mouth, currently battling for their party’s nomination.
Alice: I’d like to hear about what it’s been like for each of you to run for president.
Midas Mouth: Let me tell you how hard it is to break through that glass ceiling and not get cut by shards of falling glass. It’s like climbing up a clock and always falling back, always losing time, always going back to the starting point.
Alice: Tell me more about climbing the clock.
Midas Mouth: HillarBill clambers up a clock
Alice: What is falling out of your mouth? Gold?
Midas Mouth: Well, yes. That’s why I can charge $200,000 for a speech. People are getting their money’s worth when they hear my speeches because they can also get down on the ground and collect the gold. Once, long ago, I was friends with a foreign king. It was good preparation for my time as secretary of state. That’s why people call me “secretary,” but don’t dare ask me to fetch the coffee. Anyway, the king. His name was Midas. He had the golden touch. He shared it with me.
|Mighty Mouth: Hey, what about me? I want her to go fetch the coffee. Oooh, and look at all of that gold! It reminds me of the modest gift of one million dollars that my dad gave me to start my business.
Midas Mouth: What????
Alice: Mr. Mighty Mouth, could you tell me about what it’s been like for you to run for president?
Mighty Mouth: Magnificent man tried to be king
His small mighty words, they did sing
He felt all that love
It fit like a glove
Magnificent man got his ring.
Hey, you want to kiss my ring?
Alice: You’re running for Pope?
Midas Mouth: He doesn’t know what he wants.
Mighty Mouth: Yes, I do. I want coffee.
|Alice: Have a cookie. Help yourself to the coffee. What else do you want?
Mighty Mouth: My delegates. They’re trying to steal my delegates.
Alice: And, Midas Mouth, what do you want?
Midas Mouth: My super delegates. They’re trying to steal my super delegates.
Alice: OK. One last question for both of you. Why should anyone vote for you?
Mighty Mouth: Because of my wall. I’ll make a big, beautiful wall that Mexico will pay for. I’ll make America gape again. They’ll gape in disbelief. I am talented. Very talented. I can feel the love already. They will all love me.
Midas Mouth: This guy needs a chill pill. He can afford it, but so many cannot. I’ll make sure that everyone can afford their chill pills. I will not promise something that I cannot deliver.
Mighty Mouth: I do not need a chill pill. I am perfect in every way. You’re fired!
Midas Mouth: Weren’t you fired from The Apprentice? I have a debate. I don’t have time for this gibberish from an opponent… who… never mind… I promised to keep this positive. (gold flies all over the room)
Mighty Mouth: She loves me.
Alice: Hmmm, gold. Lots of gold. And what’s this? Shards of the broken glass ceiling? A container of tanning lotion, guaranteed to turn skin bright orange? Well, there, you have it. Presidential election 2016. Thank you and bye bye.