Well, January 24th is global belly laugh day. It doesn’t quite get the designation of “holiday,” but it probably should. Everyone needs a belly laugh because we all need to be distracted from very annoying things, like the way that the Windows 10 update is designed to delete all of your text, after you’ve spent hours writing it. You don’t even have to press the delete key. It just exterminates your magnum opus in the most heartless way possible because… it is heartless! I guess that’s a good thing if your magnum opus is the plans to a crime, and the cops are getting ready to read your story.
Poof! It’s gone! No evidence! No pictures, and it never happened!
Oh, and speaking about cops, their responsibility and the reason for their paychecks is to enforce laws. The fine money that results from all that law enforcement goes to pay the salaries of the cops and fund the town or other type of municipality. So the cops have plenty of incentive to catch people behaving badly and being worthy of being charged a fine. And, as an added bonus, the laws that the cops enforce for the purpose of fine collection don’t even have to make any sense.
And, since we’ve just celebrated global belly laugh day, why not extend the magnificent holiday? How about a good belly laugh over some really stupid laws that are… um… made in America.
Here are some examples of stupid laws that could be enforced for fine money. If they could be enforced by serious, ticket-wielding cops. More than likely, the cops would crack up laughing while attempting to enforce laws that idiotic, if they even made the effort… because cops are human and they have to enjoy Global Belly Laugh Day too. And most of the laws, while being hilarious, are probably unenforceable anyways:
Alabama: You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Make sure to stash your ice cream cone in your front pocket.
Alaska: It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
Try tandem skydiving with the moose because jumping with a moose isn’t the same as giving the moose a push.
California: Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
That law reminds me of an experience I had when I was typing the police blotter for the newspaper. One of the police calls involved two dogs who were spotted “strolling down the bike path” and who were observed to be “in love.” The end of the call was “when patrol arrived, the subjects were nowhere to be found.” They must have been following the law by finding someplace private to mate.
Florida: (accidentally) banned all smartphones and computers from internet cafes… and everywhere else, too! This actually happened in 2013.
Thus, on your device that’s using that evil wifi, sucking you into a horrific underworld from which there is no escape, something flashes on Florida’s website. This warning, informing you that you’ve been caught. The Internet Police are on their way to an IP address nearest to you: you’re looking at your state’s website on your illegal electronic device, you no-good malefactor!
Iowa: is focused on making sure that people who wish to kiss follow all of the rules concerning the art of kissing. First, check your facial hair. A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public. Even if you are wild about Harry, you may not kiss Hairy Harry. Kisses may last for no more than five minutes. Plug into the coin-operated kiss-o-meter, and you should be all set to be a law-abiding kisser.
Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed on the back seat of any car.
The driver’s seat is a perfectly fine place for a gorilla to sit, however.
Minnesota: It is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on top of your head.
How about a goose?
New York: A person may not walk around on Sunday with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
You can stash those ice cream cones in your pocket from Monday through Saturday. Never on Sunday…
North Carolina: It is against the law to sing off-key.
All police shall be equipped with pitch pipes to determine the severity of the offense.
Wisconsin: In the state where margarine was once illegal, cheese is considered worthy of legal protection. Here are a few cheese laws: all cheese making requires a license, but limburger cheese making requires a master cheese makers license. Cheese laws apply to food service, too. It is illegal for restaurants to serve apple pie without cheese.
Why do I all of a sudden want to be a law-abiding citizen of Wisconsin when I don’t even live in Wisconsin? I’ll take my apple pie with a side of limburger, made only by a master cheesemaker. And no margarine, please.
I hope that you’ve had a good belly laugh on Global Belly Laugh day and every day, as you let the gorilla drive you through Massachusetts and into New York. Make sure to eat that ice cream cone that you have stashed in your pocket, on a Sunday, before it melts (illegally).