|Me: Sure. No problem. What will you do to make America grate again?
MM: You’ll have to wait and see. I promise big things. Important things. Nothing that the incompetent and so-called journalists at the Failing New York Times could ever understand.
Me: The Failing New York Times? I’d give my eyeteeth to have a job with them.
MM: Do you want to hear about my buddy, General James “Mad Dog” Mattis?
Me: You have a dog?
MM: I don’t have a dog and I don’t have a cat and I don’t have a fish. I’m pet enough for anyone. Look at this Marvelous hair. That is worthy of love-filled strokes.
Me: OK. I am sure that it is.
MM: Don’t you want to pet my hair?
Me: Not today.
Me: Excuse me for a second. (opens door to someone who looks exactly like President-Elect Mighty Mouth.)
MM: That Alec Baldwin. What is he doing here? He is very unfunny. Very unfunny indeed. He is biased and his performance is sad.
AB: Thank you for inviting me to this interview. I will make America grate again. I myself prefer parmigiano-reggiano. It grates really nicely.
MM: His voice is very grating.
(A beep is hear from the computer)
Me: A member of your fan club would like to speak to you, Mr. President-Elect, although I suspect that he’s been a bit crabby lately. Here he is on Skype.
Kim Jong Un: President-Elect Mighty Mouth, I am happy that the American people chose you, instead of that thick headed and boring Midas Mouth. We need to speak. I am tired of those foolish sanctions over such nonsense as nuclear weapons.
MM: I’d be happy to speak with you. We can make North Korea grate again.
KJU: No, thank you. I don’t really like cheese. I was pleased to endorse your campaign and I hope that you will come and visit me. We will eat kimchi and discuss Important Matters.
MM: I have to eat kimchi?
AB: I’d gladly eat kimchi. It’s delicious. I will go in your place, as you.
KJU: Could you appoint Dennis Rodman to be U.S. Ambassador to North Korea? Please, pretty please, and with a cherry on top.
MM: Do we have diplomatic relations with North Korea?
MM: We can talk about that, too.
KJU: I want to visit Graceland. My dad was a big fan of Elvis. (He disappears as his internet has suddenly turned itself off)
AB: I’d gladly give you a tour of Graceland.
MM: No way, Jose. I’m the President-Elect and you’re not. I give the Graceland tours.
(The computer beeps again. Vladimir Putin appears on the screen.)
VP: I truly love Skype. Not to mention twitter, although I don’t tweet with the level of enthusiasm that you tweet (notices Alec Baldwin). Hey! How many President-Elect Mighty Mouths are there?
MM and AB: Just one.
VP: Which one?
MM and AB (pointing at each other): Him.
MM: You’re confusing me. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Me: You could be right.
VP: We need to have a constructive dialogue. I know that you are magnificent and that you want to improve Russian-American relations. You must come to Russia and learn to dance the Kazatsky.
AB: He can’t dance.
MM: No one asked you. You are the fake Mighty Mouth. I am the real President-Elect Mighty Mouth. What is the Kazatsky?
VP: It is the Cossack dance. You will learn it. We will work on Russian-American relations. Everyone will be jealous of you.
MM: No doubt. I am already magnificent. Everyone loves me.
Me: President-Elect Mighty Mouth, when you are not dancing in Russia and eating kimchi in North Korea, what will you be doing here in the United States? Do you still plan on building a wall on the U.S.-Mexican border? Do you still plan on sending the Mexican government the bill, even though they have emphatically said that they will not pay for your wall?
MM: No wall. I will build a moat instead.
AB: Moat? Cool! I’m ready for my next skit!
MM: Shut up. You are a terrible actor. Have you ever thought of auditioning for Hamilton? They are all biased and they treated Vice President-Elect Second Mouth very badly.
AB: Hamilton? Cool!
Me: Tell me about your upcoming inauguration. Do you have anything special planned?
MM: It will be the best inauguration ever. It will be a fantastic production. The nation has never seen anything like it before.
AB: Thank God.
MM: You. Shut up. You are far from funny. I will take a victory tour. My fan base… um… constituents will know that I am looking out for them and for their jobs. Their jobs will not be relocated to Mexico. Not on my watch. I am the great and magnificent…
AB: Do not look at the man behind the curtain.
MM: That’s a problem. Those stupid paper ballots. No more voting booth with a curtain to close. I want a good, old-fashioned voting booth. That’s how we prevent illegal people from voting.
Me: People are illegal?
MM: Are you legal?
Me: Probably. Let’s get back to the moat.
MM: It will be a magnificent moat. A wonderful moat. There will be no more illegal people coming to this country to steal my job… um… American jobs. And, at the same time, any business owners who try to relocate to Mexico will be eaten by sharks. A well-deserved end to those no-good job stealers.
Me: Someone is trying to steal your job?
MM: They got that Meanie Greenie lady to demand a recount.
Me: Hmmm. How do you know that the people that you call illegal won’t swim across the moat?
MM: They wouldn’t dare. I will fill the moat with piranhas and sharks. They will be the best piranhas and sharks. They will be beautiful. We’ll use the money that was supposed to be wasted on an overpriced Air Force One on the piranhas and sharks.
Me: Venus flytraps along the shoreline?
MM: Now you’re thinking. Want to join my administration? You’re obviously an environmentalist because you’re already planning a carnivorous riparian zone for my moat.
Me: That would be an interesting and unique riparian zone. Do you still plan on deporting eleven million people?
MM: That issue is under study.
Me: You don’t know?
MM: We plan on adding a few flag burners into that group. Anyone who burns a flag will be stripped of his citizenship and will be sent to jail. Then deported. We’re looking into Antarctica for them.
Me: Um. OK. Thank you for sharing.
MM: Any time.
Me: Do you plan on sending your former opponent to jail?
MM: I’d love to talk to you for a longer period of time but I have an important address that I have to give to the Flat Earth Society.
AB: Flat Earth Society? This is just getting better and better.
(Both President-Elect Mighty Mouth and Alec Baldwin scurry away.)
Me: Well, there. You have it. A moat. Sharks. Piranhas. It will be interesting times here in the Good Old United States of America. I’ll have more interviews after the electoral college votes. Bye for now.
Question: What questions would you like me to ask President-Elect Mighty Mouth when I next interview him? Look for another interview to be held some time before the inauguration.