|Note: Today’s blog post is an interview with Mighty Mouth, the Republican candidate for president, and Midas Mouth, the Democratic candidate for president. The last time that I interviewed them was on April 14th. Since then, they have gone on to win their parties’ nominations. Since the presidential election is coming up in a month, it seemed like the right time to have another chat with them. Unfortunately, I was unable to photograph them, so the spiders, mice, and insects agreed to stand in and be photographed in their place.
Note No. 2: If you’re wondering about the candidates’ names: Mighty Mouth earned his name by randomly blurting out comments that caused eyes to roll and heads to be banged on walls. Midas Mouth earned her title by getting paid thousands of dollars to make speeches. It was apparent that those who liked Midas Mouth were perfectly happy to be separated from their money. They are also on line to buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
|Me: You recently participated in a debate, moderated by Lester Holt. Tell me about the experience.
Mighty Mouth: I did well. Very well. I was very articulate. How could I not do well? My IQ is one of the highest. Take that, Stephen Hawking.
(Midas Mouth begins laughing, uncontrollably.)
Mighty Mouth: Aha. She knows that I am truly incredible and she’s laughing because she know that she can’t satisfy her husband.
Me: Thank you for sharing. Midas Mouth, do you have a response?
Midas Mouth: Not really. Marriage, even my own, is a mystery to me. But my opponent would know all about marriage. He’s had three wives. He is rude, however. He could start a war by opening his mouth prior to thinking.
Mighty Mouth: I don’t have time to be completely politically correct. I have to save a nation. This country is going down the tubes. Going down the tubes because the current president is a space alien.
Midas Mouth: Wait a second. I thought that you had said that the president was born in Kenya. When did he become a space alien?
Me: I have another…
Midas Mouth: Mr. Orange Man, tell me who told you… um, why do you think that the president is a space alien? (begins laughing uncontrollably)
Mighty Mouth: I have my sources. You’re a space alien, too! Why are you laughing? And stop rolling your eyes!
Midas Mouth: Mr. Mighty Mouth, do you really think that you have the temperament to be the president of Super PAC land… um, the greatest nation on the face of this earth?
Mighty Mouth: Of course. I am the greatest. I am the worst thing that ever happened to ISIS. They won’t know what hit them. They will be fired on national TV.
Me: You will say “you’re fired” to ISIS?
Mighty Mouth: You think that you’re so smart because you’re a journalist? Well, a journalist that I’ve never heard of. Obviously, you’re a peon journalist, not to mention small, really small. You are a very little human. You resemble pond scum. Journalists are all pond scum. I wipe them off of my feet every day.
|“Journalists are all pond scum.”
Me: Thank you for sharing, Mr. Mouth. Let’s move on. Midas Mouth, I read in today’s newspaper that, even though you claim to be independent of the influence of Super PACs, Priorities USA Action has received millions of dollars in donations from wealthy donors who want to see you elected president. Please discuss.
Midas Mouth: I take vitamins.
Me: Um. OK. We seem to have something in common.
Midas Mouth: We have so much in common. I want to talk about how important it is for ordinary Americans to have a champion. I will be that champion. A champion for the middle class, the class that my opponent will treat like chunky peanut butter in a sandwich. I can be a champion of everyday Americans, even if they can’t afford to hear me give a speech. My opponent will not.
Mighty Mouth: Hey, wait a second. We don’t even know who is an ordinary American in this country. We have a country full of illegals. People who are illegal. They are illegal because I say that they are illegal. Their existence is illegal.They will be deported to Antarctica. It is icy and cold. A good place for illegal people. It’s only really fat, ugly women who like them.
Me: Mighty Mouth, it’s not your turn to speak.
Mighty Mouth: Once again, you just proved my point. Journalists are pond scum.
Me: Thank you for sharing. OK, starting with Midas Mouth, please tell me how you will run the government.
Midas Mouth: We will live in a great nation. Our people will be educated. They will drive around in cars that are somewhat fuel efficient. They might even drive over safe bridges. If my opponent gets elected, they will drive on collapsing bridges and will end up in the drink. But I digress. They will have some sort of health insurance. Some sort. Not as good as mine but they will have health insurance. They will be proud and happy to have a woman president who has crashed through the glass ceiling. I may have glass falling off of my head at all hours of the day or night but no one will notice because I can knock anyone out of the news, just by changing my hair style.
Me: Can you elaborate on foreign policy.
Midas Mouth: Well, I always wanted to be taller and thinner but I can still be tougher. I will fight against anyone who wants to change our way of life and make it less democratic.
Me: You mean, like the Citizens United decision?
Midas Mouth: No. Remember that freedom isn’t free. It’s expensive. Someone has to buy the White House.
Me: You admit that the Super PACs are buying the White House?
Midas Mouth: Have you noticed that I’ve changed my hair? I can knock anything off of the front pages of all newspapers just by changing my hair.
Mighty Mouth: My hair is way better than her hair. I was trying to be charitable toward her because she’s a girl, but I have really good hair and she has bad hair. She has a lot of bad hair days. She is a bad hair day. My hair is great. Everyone loves my hair.
|Me: OK, Mighty Mouth. It is your turn. When will you release your tax returns? Is it true that you haven’t paid taxes in years?
Mighty Mouth: I am too smart to pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes. You are little. You can pay my taxes.
Me: I seem to remember that Leona Helmsley said something about only little people paying taxes right before being sent to federal prison.
Mighty Mouth: I am wise. Very, very wise. Kim Jong Un says that I am wise. (reaches into his hair) Hey, a bug just landed in my hair. I will step on it fifteen times. I am going to be a very powerful president.
|Midas Mouth: I want to see that man’s tax returns.
Mighty Mouth: Over my dead body.
Midas Mouth: That can be arranged.
Me: OK, then. It’s time to call a halt to the interview before the candidates kill each other. Thank you for coming in for the interview. I wish the two of you luck in the election. I wish the other candidates luck, as well. I wish the United States luck in surviving this election. Remember to keep your passports up to date.