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| Yesterday, the Electoral College officially elected Mighty Mouth to be President of the United States. President Elect Mighty Mouth requested that he be interviewed so that he could talk about The Best Christmas Present Ever. I went to visit President-Elect Mighty Mouth. At the door was a person who did not seem quite real. She was fairly tall and blonde and she looked like she might have been some form of artificial life, sort of like Data from Star Trek. |
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| Kellyannebot: My name is Kellyannebot. I am the Spokesbot for President-Elect Mighty Mouth. I hope that you are not here to make fun of the President-Elect or to share pictures of him making funny faces. If you make fun of President-Elect Mighty Mouth, there are consequences.
Me: Consequences? They would be? Kellyannebot: I am not programmed to give out that information. Me: OK. Kellyannebot: Alec Baldwin is here and he will serve you a cup of tea. He made fun of President-Elect Mighty Mouth and he is facing the consequences. He is to serve coffee and tea all day. (the Kellyannebot leaves) Me: Interesting. Alec Baldwin: How about a cup of Earl Grey tea? Me: Green tea, please. Captain Picard: The Earle Grey is my tea. Alec Baldwin: Ooops, Captain Picard. I will get you your tea right away. Captain Picard: Make it so, Number One. (Alec Baldwin walks away) Me: Captain Picard, I didn’t know that you were friends with President-Elect Mighty Mouth. Captain Picard: Who? Aren’t I on the holodeck? Are you telling me that President-Elect Mighty Mouth is real and not a hologram? Me: It is hard to believe, but President-Elect Mighty Mouth is not a hologram. Captain Picard: I’m going to need more than Earl Gray tea for this. (Alec Baldwin returns with Captain Picard’s tea and with a cup of green tea for me.) (Kellyannebot returns with Vice President-Elect Second Mouth) Kellyannebot: Vice President-Elect Second Mouth is here to speak with you. I hope that you aren’t from all of those Fake News Outlets. Vice President Elect Second Mouth: My name is Vice President-Elect Second Mouth. It is a pleasure to meet you… um… Me: I am Alice. My blog is “Alice’s Grand Adventures.” Vice President Elect Second Mouth: Don’t believe any of those so-called Mainstream News Outlets. They all produce Fake News. No one likes them. Trust in them is down to ten percent. |
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| Me: Are you actually Vice President-Elect Second Mouth…
Captain Picard: Are you a borg? Vice President Elect Second Mouth: Approval ratings of mainstream media are down below ten percent. Don’t believe any of those so-called Mainstream News Outlets. They all produce Fake News. No one likes them. Trust in them is down to ten percent. Kellyannebot: Whoops, he is stuck on an infinite loop. He needs repair. (she removes Vice President Elect Second Mouth. Just then, President-Elect Mighty Mouth walks into the room.) President-Elect Mighty Mouth: The Electoral College loves me. I will be your president for the next eight years. Maybe forever. Me: Um. President-Elect Mighty Mouth: Look at my beautiful hands. They are the hands of a president. Me: Will you be using those hands to sign bills or veto them? President-Elect Mighty Mouth: I get to veto? Me: To your heart’s content. President-Elect Mighty Mouth: I will veto any bill that Senator John McCain writes. He is jealous of my friendship with The Great and Mighty President Putin. Me: OK. (Kellyannebot returns to the room, with T. Rex, candidate for secretary of state, and Vladimir Putin, who carries a bottle of Russian vodka.) Vladimir Putin: I have for your Most Magnificence, a fine bottle of Imperial Collection Super Premium Vodka. It is bottled in Russia in a Murano glass carafe and is decorated with 24 carat gold and Swarovski crystals. T. Rex: It is a most magnificent vodka. You will love it. You will also love the oil that we will get from the arctic circle. My pal Vlad is all in on this. President Elect Mighty Mouth: Yep, you’re right. Let’s talk about something more interesting. Me: What could be more interesting than a potential conflict of interest worth billions of dollars? President Elect Mighty Mouth: Me. No one could be more interesting than me. Everyone loves me. Vladimir Putin: This bottle of vodka will make everyone more interesting. Me: I’m not really a big fan of vodka. That bottle is gorgeous. Vladimir Putin: We have another bottle that has a Faberge egg on it. You will love it. President-Elect Mighty Mouth: What is a Faberge egg? Vladimir Putin: They are exquisite and worth millions. President-Elect Mighty Mouth: In that case, I will like them. I like expensive things. |
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| T. Rex: I like oil best. I also like vodka. But not in the same glass. I suppose that I could learn to love a Faberge egg. Once we make a deal with Russia, we’ll be able to afford many Faberge eggs for the future Donald Trump Presidential Museum… um, I mean when Exxon Mobil makes a deal with Russia…
Me: President Putin, what about the allegations that Russia hacked the U.S. election to ensure Mighty Mouth’s victory? Mighty Mouth: Utter nonsense. Why would anyone vote for Midas Mouth when they could vote for me? My hair is much better than hers. Everyone wanted to vote for me because I have good hair. Once I am inaugurated, we are going to market Mighty Mouth Wigs. It will be magnificent. Wait and see. And don’t forget to buy one. You will really shine when you have hair like mine. Me: OK, thank you for sharing. Mighty Mouth: You will really shine when you have hair like mine. That could be a song. The Naked Cowboy could sing it. He is a fabulous musician. Just fabulous. |
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| Vladimir Putin: My buddy D.J. Fenix will produce an anthem for the event. He will make an anthem worthy of the man who will make sure that the oil is… um… who will be a great president. |
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| Mighty Mouth: Well, it’s been fun but now I have to go to my weekly intelligence briefing. I am very smart. I am bored at those briefings. Why do I have to go?
Me: Isn’t it a daily intelligence briefing? I’d gladly go in your place. Alec Baldwin: Me too. I’ll go as you! Mighty Mouth: No. Go get me my coffee. Alec Baldwin: Sure. This is a great gig. I’m getting all sorts of good material for my next skit. This is the best Christmas gift ever. Mighty Mouth: Good bye. Thank you, all, for your undying admiration of me. Vladimir Putin: It is my pleasure. T. Rex: It is Exxon… my pleasure as well. (Kellyannebot returns) Kellyannebot: You can all go now. Thank you for visiting. You can all go now. Thank you for visiting. You can… Mighty Mouth: Ooops. The bot broke. See you all later. Good bye. Me: Oh, wait a second. You wanted to tell me about the best Christmas present ever. What is it? Mighty Mouth: Yes. It is magnificent. It is beautiful. You’ll find out when the time is right. Me: Excellent. We’ll schedule another interview. Mighty Mouth: Of course. Excuse me while I get ready for my boring intelligence briefing. (everyone leaves and Kellyannebot closes the door. She reopens the door and closes it, repeatedly, as she is caught in another infinite loop.) |
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| Stay tuned for another interview with President-Elect Mighty Mouth and friends before the inauguration. |
