Little Red Running Hood and the Orange Man

It’s time for a fractured fairy tale. So I present you with my version of Little Red Riding Hood, known here as “Little Red Running Hood.” I am bringing it into the 21st century, specifically 2017 North America.

Once upon a time, there was a young girl, named Marie, who liked to run. She was small but she had long legs and she was very fast. She had bright eyes, a cheerful grin, and she was very fond of her grandmother, who lived in a senior citizen apartment building. Her grandmother liked to go to the senior citizen center to play bingo and scrabble and to eat lunch with her bingo and scrabble mates. She especially loved Marie and was happy for her visits. She worried about Marie because she walked through the park to get to the senior citizen apartment building and she never wore a hat.

One day, Granny surprised Marie with a red jacket with a hood. It had a faux fur lining and was very warm, which was good because their community had long, cold winters, and chilly and rainy summers.

One day, Marie’s mom asked her to bring a sack of goodies to Granny because Granny was not feeling well. She packed a bag with white wine, gouda, brie, sardines, and fancy little crackers. She warned Marie about the park. A scary and very large wolf had been spotted there. This wolf, it was said, wasn’t really a wolf at all, but, instead, was some other creature disguised as a wolf. She warned Marie not to talk to anyone while she was walking through the park.

Marie agreed to be careful and she left the house. Before long, she had arrived at the bike path. She was happy to be outside and soon was skipping down the trail. The package, however, was starting to feel quite heavy. She set it down and rested under a tree.

A man with a dog walked up to her.

“Tired, young lady?” he asked.

She didn’t respond because she remembered that the wolf could disguise itself as some other creature.

“Would you like some help? Where are you going?”

He seemed so kind and helpful but, oddly enough, looked familiar.

“I am going to bring goodies to my grandmother, who is sick,” Marie said. “I must run.”

“Oh, my,” the man said. “You have quite the red hood. I am going to call you ‘Little Red Running Hood.'”

“OK,” Marie said. “Well, bye bye.” She started running down the trail. When she grew bored of running, she skipped. She was so happy to run and skip on the trail that she did not notice that the strange man had left the trail and had disappeared from view.

The man’s mask, which was one of several masks in his pocket, was making him uncomfortable and claustrophobic so, when no one was looking, he pulled it off and put it in his pocket. His face without the mask was close to being bright orange. He had artificial yellow hair that actually looked like it was growing out of his head, and his eyes were big and bulgy. The dog ran away at the sight of him. He cackled wickedly and then put the random man in the park mask back on his face because he was approaching the senior citizen apartment building and he didn’t want Granny Dearest to recognize him.

“I’m going to make America gape again,” he muttered to himself as he entered the building. He already had Granny investigated so he knew where she lived. 

Meanwhile, Marie had just emerged from the park and was walking down the street where Granny lived. Before long, she walked into the building. She swung the bag and nearly broke the wine bottle with her enthusiasm. She skipped toward the elevator, but noticed that the door was starting to close. She saw the man from the woods inside the elevator and thought that, perhaps, he was visiting a family member. She waited for the next elevator.

The orange man in disguise was fast. On the elevator, he removed the random man in the park mask and put on the Big Bad Wolf mask. The elevator arrived at the right floor and he walked rapidly toward Granny’s apartment. He knocked on the door. She opened it and screamed. He tied her up, gagged her, and placed her in the closet. He stripped off of his clothes, tossing them on top of Granny. He then removed one of her housedresses and put it on, promptly ripping out the left side seam. He ripped it off and put on a pink sweatsuit, a granny mask, and a wig. Then he went to Granny’s bed, lay down, and covered up. He was excited about the tasty young morsel that he was going to gobble up, much better than stringy old Granny.

“Who needs Granny? I will make America gape again,” he cackled, just as Marie walked in to the room.

“Granny, are you sick? Why are you lying in bed?”

“I am old, very old. I am tired and weak. What is in your bag?”

Marie wondered why Granny was so interested in the bag. Granny always hugged and kissed her and gave her a snack and listened to her stories.

“Good things to eat and drink, Granny,” she said, even though she wondered why Granny was acting different. Then she noticed Granny’s hands. They were very large.

“My, how large your hands are!”

“The better to hug you with.” Granny gave Marie a very strong bear hug, which nearly turned Marie into a two dimensional girl.

“My, how furry your face is, Granny!” Marie said, wondering why Granny’s face felt as if it needed a shave.

“The better for you to stroke my face,” said Fake Granny, who loved attention and who was having trouble faking love for this annoying child.

“My, how large your teeth are!”

“The better to eat you up with!”

Marie ran out of the bedroom, screaming, which gave Fake Granny a chance to leap out of bed. Fake Granny raced after the screaming child, picked her up, and dumped her into the closet, where she found her real grandmother. He was in such a hurry that he failed to tie her up and gag her.

“Who was that?” Marie asked her real grandmother, who couldn’t say a word because she was gagged. “Oh,” Marie said, and she untied Granny and removed the gag. Fortunately, Marie was a 21st century child, so she had a Smartphone in her pocket. She called for the police, who came before Fake Granny/Fake Big Bad Wolf managed to leave. He had been too busy gloating when the cops came and noticed that the Orange Man was in the apartment.

“Oh, Mr. President Elect,” said one of the police officers. “We heard that there was a disturbance here. How is it that you came to our fair town without media attention?” The police officer stood at attention and saluted. The Orange Man decided that this would be a good time to pounce. A cop could be an even tastier morsel than a taste test sized child or a stringy old Granny. Just then, the other police officer showed up and removed the orange faced President Elect, who could have been as fake at being a president elect as he was at being a random man in the park, a wolf, and a granny. He was removed and was never seen or heard from again.

The end!

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